We'd asked for this. We’d all happily exchanged keys to each other’s homes, having met only a few months earlier (this was a couple of years ago).Now, sometime after midnight, I heard Terisa’s key in the front door of the apartment in which Vee, Edwin & I live. A few minutes ago, I’d hung up on Terisa during a phone fight.
I said to Vee, who was pouring a glass of water before returning to bed:
"Ah. This will be our client now."
Terisa stood, fuming, in jeans and t-shirt, framed in the low wattage of the porch lamp. I sat across the room, naked, in the glow from our computer. The lighting was fine: the world only wished that the state of clothing were reversed.
"How DARE YOU put the FUCKING PHONE DOWN on me!"
"Come in," I said with a poise that I thought suave, but that set off a suspicion in her.
"You've been drinking." She glanced at Vee. "Has he been drinking?"
"He's fine," shrugged Vee.
Terisa crossed the room, hands on hips, eyes flashing.
"Look," I said. "What set this all off was that I just mentioned that I feel the need to spend a bit more time with Vee. That's all. It won't have any impact on OUR time together. I didn't even mean it in relation to you. It was a side comment during a Facebook chat. That's all."
"Then why not say that instead of acting like a child and hanging up on me?"
"I'd said it already. Several ways. I couldn't get it into your head." Our eyes met like iron pilings. "By the way, what the fuck has got into you? You will not stand there yelling at us, with our son asleep upstairs."
"You--"
I said: "You'll lower your voice, or you'll leave. Understand?" She looked away. I sighed. "Come on: let's go for a walk and talk this out."
Vee padded back to bed.
Twenty minutes later, Terisa's head resting on my chest as we sat on a street bench, I looked down at her hair:
"Why do you do this? Why do you get a few words utterly out of proportion, and work yourself up into a state like that?"
Her shoulders twitched: "I dunno. I was worried. I thought you didn't want to spend time with me anymore."
"Wrong." We kissed.
She said: “And I don't like it when you drink."
I didn't want to re-ignite things, but felt I had to make a point:
"Erm, sweetheart, I didn't come crashing into your home late at night, yelling. Although you did so sober, to be fair.” (Terisa doesn’t drink alcohol at all, and never has).
"I know. But even if you've had just two or three beers, you're different. I don't want that guy: I want my Matt."
Fair one.
We got up, and walked around the block.
"I should go," she whispered, putting her arms around me. "Say sorry to Vee."
I watched her get into her Subaru and drive away, then went inside. I checked on Edwin, crept into our bedroom, and kissed Vee.
"I have no idea," she muttered, "what that was all about."
It was just before 2am. I slept okay. I didn't sleep great, but I slept okay.
Don't know why I like this post so much, I guess it has to do with the "realness" of the post. Like I saw someone else say, "really ballsy".
ReplyDeleteI am not sure exactly what your intention is with this particular post, but I think there is quite a bit of relationship "stuff" that can be taken away from this. Your frank and honest dialog. The non-threatening way that you approached the confrontation, while at the same time a willingness and openness to express your boundaries.
Really great stuff, Matt! Keep it coming.
A bold post indeed! My personal poly life is a touch more hum-drum these days and I have nothing nearly as compelling as the likes of this to blog about. Hence I blog about my volunteer activites :-)
ReplyDeleteSituations like these prove just how difficult a poly relationship can SOMETIMES be. It is not like this all the time, as some mono types suspect it is, but sometimes passions ignite. We are simply human beings after all!
I like this post. Examples of a relationship by itself and in a poly context. Communication.
ReplyDeleteI found that in my relationships with my husband and ex-boyfriend the communications and arguments were very different. Part of the diversity.
Thank you very much Lance.
ReplyDeleteThe intention was to document one of our fights without ending the post with a neat moral or wry comment, LOL. Although I wanted to begin to show some 'uglier' poly moments at some point, it was my friend Scott (one of Terisa's life partners) who prompted me to do sooner than I might. I'm grateful to him and to Terisa, who said something similar.
@Rev_Sysyphus: thanks!
ReplyDeleteIndeed. I suspect this fight, although three of us were in the room rather than two, is similar in intensity to many everyday fights in monogamous relationships.
It's a pretty accurate account of an early fight, BTW. It happened two summers ago, this one. :-)
@lovingmorethanone:
ReplyDeleteYes. The arguments I have with Vee are different in content and form from the ones I have with Terisa. I plan to expand on this in another post soon.
Thanks for your comment!
it's nice to read this Matt.. know why..? Not only is it just a lovely smooth read with some laughs, because one it deals with consequences of change in a polyamorous group. And for personal reasons: you know, sometimes I feel like i have to ALL THE TIME prove how this is OK, that we are good at this, that we are Happy with a capital H. We argue sometimes too. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWe've had a terrible interview on daytime TV here with a poly group I know a little, the presenters were AWFUL.. what struck me after mulling it over is that they were accused of nothing more or less than can happen in ANY relationship.. but somehow this is all pitched to prove that our style of relationships is BAAAAD.
We fight, you know.